(re)Construction

I find that at times I can be a highly motivated individual. It also happens that at times I am completely exasperated and devoid of the will to accomplish anything. In talking about those moments, hours, days (perhaps even weeks) when my time is occupied with completely unfruitful activities (such as browsing the voluminous clutter and nonsense that the internet is filled with), I do not mean to imply that this happens because I am in need of a break from dealing with the stresses of life. I simply find that some days I lack any determination at all, and I do not necessarily think that this always stems from working too hard and needing some time off.

Instead, what seems to be the case is that I find myself motivated to do things because of an inherent competitiveness and desire to be driven. Note that I have carefully stated the latter in terms of a desire and not its consistent fulfillment, because it is not always the case that I am in sync with my motivations – or that I even possess a set of motivations, for that matter.

The difficulty that I have run into lately is in finding that these tendencies do not fit automatically into the life of an academician. I am not currently an actual academician or professor of any kind, but I am a graduate student, and so basically I am being trained and tested in order to see (for myself) if I can handle such a vocation. That having been said, it seems at this point that I have been relying upon (perhaps not in an entirely cognizant manner) a natural competitive/driven attitude, and a desire to achieve a significant accomplishment, to propel me through the thick forests of academic literature that is the natural dwelling place of the graduate student. It certainly is a jungle out there, as they say.

Now, before moving on, it would be important to take a step back and put these likely nonsensical ramblings into a more coherent context. I think that in my better moments my reasons for going to graduate school were rooted in a mostly genuine desire to contribute as best I am able to the work that God is constantly doing on this planet. I do not think it would be inaccurate to say that God loves his creation enough to be intimately and painfully involved at the points where it is in pain, is hurt, and needs to be healed. What this naturally means for him is that he must deal with human beings who tend to be so occupied with themselves and their lives that they are naturally inclined to turn against God and rarely take the time to force themselves to do whatever is necessary so that their hearts turn towards what is good and become concerned about the things that God is concerned about. I, for my part, am guilty to be counted among such as these.

But in an effort to change, I have given some fairly serious thought to my motivations. I know that in the past I have had times in my life where my motivations were fairly clear and drove me to achieve, but I am not sure now that – give the person I am today – I can live with those same motivations, or even that they were altogether healthy for me at the time. What I have, in fact, decided, is not that I know what my motivations are, but that I have some guidelines about what my motivations should be. I understand that any direction I choose to go with my degree will, hopefully, take me to a place where it will not be appropriate to be motivated simply by competitiveness and a desire to be “the best” at something – or better than other people, which I suppose is what this amounts to for me. Insofar as my understanding goes, the entire body of Christians who are risking to trust their lives to God with the belief that he knows and understands their needs and genuinely cares about them, every person is in this body is called to ministry, and mere competitiveness is not the right motivation to have for doing ministry.

Now, this leaves me (and perhaps others like me) at an odd disjunction. I compete, I like to compete, and I find that I do my best work when what is at stake is clear, and when I know what I have to do to win. Yet, given what I know to be the task of the Christian church, I am not sure how this mindset fits into the lifestyle I have chosen, or how it can be sustained as such. In any event, I think that this competitiveness is something that need not be squashed, but that there needs to be a way to understand it in light of what else I know to be true of the Christian’s calling.

Ephesians 4: 7 But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of the gift of Christ. 4:8 Therefore it says, “When he ascended on high he captured captives; he gave gifts to men.” 4:9 Now what is the meaning of “he ascended,” except that he also descended to the lower regions, namely, the earth? 4:10 He, the very one who descended, is also the one who ascended above all the heavens, in order to fill all things. 4:11 It was he who gave some as apostles, some as prophets, some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, 4:12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, that is, to build up the body of Christ, 4:13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God—a mature person, attaining to the measure of Christ’s full stature. 4:14 So we are no longer to be children, tossed back and forth by waves and carried about by every wind of teaching by the trickery of people who craftily carry out their deceitful schemes. 4:15 But practicing the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ, who is the head. 4:16 From him the whole body grows, fitted and held together through every supporting ligament. As each one does its part, the body grows in love.