(re)Construction

I find that at times I can be a highly motivated individual. It also happens that at times I am completely exasperated and devoid of the will to accomplish anything. In talking about those moments, hours, days (perhaps even weeks) when my time is occupied with completely unfruitful activities (such as browsing the voluminous clutter and nonsense that the internet is filled with), I do not mean to imply that this happens because I am in need of a break from dealing with the stresses of life. I simply find that some days I lack any determination at all, and I do not necessarily think that this always stems from working too hard and needing some time off.

Instead, what seems to be the case is that I find myself motivated to do things because of an inherent competitiveness and desire to be driven. Note that I have carefully stated the latter in terms of a desire and not its consistent fulfillment, because it is not always the case that I am in sync with my motivations – or that I even possess a set of motivations, for that matter.

The difficulty that I have run into lately is in finding that these tendencies do not fit automatically into the life of an academician. I am not currently an actual academician or professor of any kind, but I am a graduate student, and so basically I am being trained and tested in order to see (for myself) if I can handle such a vocation. That having been said, it seems at this point that I have been relying upon (perhaps not in an entirely cognizant manner) a natural competitive/driven attitude, and a desire to achieve a significant accomplishment, to propel me through the thick forests of academic literature that is the natural dwelling place of the graduate student. It certainly is a jungle out there, as they say.

Now, before moving on, it would be important to take a step back and put these likely nonsensical ramblings into a more coherent context. I think that in my better moments my reasons for going to graduate school were rooted in a mostly genuine desire to contribute as best I am able to the work that God is constantly doing on this planet. I do not think it would be inaccurate to say that God loves his creation enough to be intimately and painfully involved at the points where it is in pain, is hurt, and needs to be healed. What this naturally means for him is that he must deal with human beings who tend to be so occupied with themselves and their lives that they are naturally inclined to turn against God and rarely take the time to force themselves to do whatever is necessary so that their hearts turn towards what is good and become concerned about the things that God is concerned about. I, for my part, am guilty to be counted among such as these.

But in an effort to change, I have given some fairly serious thought to my motivations. I know that in the past I have had times in my life where my motivations were fairly clear and drove me to achieve, but I am not sure now that – give the person I am today – I can live with those same motivations, or even that they were altogether healthy for me at the time. What I have, in fact, decided, is not that I know what my motivations are, but that I have some guidelines about what my motivations should be. I understand that any direction I choose to go with my degree will, hopefully, take me to a place where it will not be appropriate to be motivated simply by competitiveness and a desire to be “the best” at something – or better than other people, which I suppose is what this amounts to for me. Insofar as my understanding goes, the entire body of Christians who are risking to trust their lives to God with the belief that he knows and understands their needs and genuinely cares about them, every person is in this body is called to ministry, and mere competitiveness is not the right motivation to have for doing ministry.

Now, this leaves me (and perhaps others like me) at an odd disjunction. I compete, I like to compete, and I find that I do my best work when what is at stake is clear, and when I know what I have to do to win. Yet, given what I know to be the task of the Christian church, I am not sure how this mindset fits into the lifestyle I have chosen, or how it can be sustained as such. In any event, I think that this competitiveness is something that need not be squashed, but that there needs to be a way to understand it in light of what else I know to be true of the Christian’s calling.

Ephesians 4: 7 But to each one of us grace was given according to the measure of the gift of Christ. 4:8 Therefore it says, “When he ascended on high he captured captives; he gave gifts to men.” 4:9 Now what is the meaning of “he ascended,” except that he also descended to the lower regions, namely, the earth? 4:10 He, the very one who descended, is also the one who ascended above all the heavens, in order to fill all things. 4:11 It was he who gave some as apostles, some as prophets, some as evangelists, and some as pastors and teachers, 4:12 to equip the saints for the work of ministry, that is, to build up the body of Christ, 4:13 until we all attain to the unity of the faith and of the knowledge of the Son of God—a mature person, attaining to the measure of Christ’s full stature. 4:14 So we are no longer to be children, tossed back and forth by waves and carried about by every wind of teaching by the trickery of people who craftily carry out their deceitful schemes. 4:15 But practicing the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Christ, who is the head. 4:16 From him the whole body grows, fitted and held together through every supporting ligament. As each one does its part, the body grows in love.

On Considering the Ravens...

I recently bought Dustin Kensrue’s solo debut album “Please Come Home.” Overall the album is somewhat Bob Dylan-esque and mainly features Kensrue’s gritty vocals alongside an acoustic guitar. The general impression that I get is an intentional rough-around-the-edges style of production, which is fine with me considering Kensrue’s lyrical credentials. It is something of a change, however, for this lead singer of the “Christian” metal band “Thrice.”

In any event, I am not writing a review of the album but I do want to recommend it. Kensrue is a Christian and the promo track “Please Come Home” is based on Jesus’ parable of “The Prodigal Son” (more accurately titled “The Compassionate Father,” found in Luke 15), and there are various not-so-subtle Christian themes woven throughout.

What I want to do instead of a review is reflect on some lyrics from the song “Consider The Ravens,” which I have been thinking about for a little while now. I am not entirely sure what drove me to think about these particular words in the way that I have, nor why the notions that I arrived at have seemed something new to me. But that is what happened. Here, then, are the lyrics:

“Between the river and the ravens I’m fed,

Between oblivion and blazes I’m led,

So Father give me faith, providence and grace.”

This constitutes the half of the chorus that I want to focus on, and it is set against the backdrop of a song that seems to speak in general about the difficulty of following a path for one’s life that seems true to God’s will. The main idea seems to be a struggle with how to bear up under hard times, and what to ask of God during those times. What I like about these lyrics is that I think they can take on a broader dimension of meaning when looked at from that perspective – at least broader than I would normally give them. So here is my own – admittedly questionable – extrapolation on what I would want to mean if I were in the situation that the song depicts.

“So father give me faith…” Please God, give me the faith that James speaks about, the kind that is evidenced by my works. The kind of faith that means more than a conviction or belief, but the faith that means continuing to struggle for the sake of your Kingdom during hard times. I am on this path for your Kingdom, please give me the faith to follow it. I need you to give me this faith God, because I’m sure that I don’t have it of myself.

…providence…” God, I need to know that you are being providential in my life during this time. I need to know that what I have chosen for my life is in accordance with your will, and that if I have somehow failed at this, that you will still give me some providence, that you will still help me to make the best of my time for your Kingdom. I need to know that my time will be worthwhile. I understand that I have salvation and that this is your providence as well, yet I ask – if you are willing – that what I am doing with be worthwhile for the sake of your Kingdom.

“…and grace.” Oh God, I know that I have forgiveness through your son. I know that I have already received more grace than I could ever understand because of what he has done, and because I have trusted in him. But Lord, yet daily will I sin and turn against you – and the same sins I have committed so many times before! I asked you for providence and faith, yet I will fail you in living out both of these as you set them before me. So Father, please, I ask for your grace. I ask for you to give me grace for those times that I fail you, to still allow me to be a useful servant to you. I am going to fail you, and I am going to need your grace during those times.

Anyway, that’s what I was thinking. Take it for what it’s worth.